Each summer, debate rages on regarding the voting for Major League Baseball’s All Star Game. Should it be based on the current year’s stats? Should a player’s career play a role? How about playing on a winning team? But let’s be honest-what we really yearn to see is our favorite players on baseball’s big stage next week. As a child, I longed to see Dave Magadan share top billing with the stars of the National League.
Inside Shea: A Ballot for Midseason
Each summer, debate rages on regarding the voting for Major League Baseball’s All Star Game. Should it be based on the current year’s stats? Should a player’s career play a role? How about playing on a winning team?
But let’s be honest-what we really yearn to see is our favorite players on baseball’s big stage next week. As a child, I longed to see Dave Magadan share top billing with the stars of the National League. Sadly, the voters did not agree with me, forsaking Mags and his more subtle charms for players like Will Clark and Mark McGwire.
For those who grow apoplectic at such blasphemy, keep in mind the following:
1. This is an exhibition game. 2. Therefore, despite reports to the contrary, this time, like all other times, it doesn’t, in fact, count.
Better yet, when else do we get a chance to make a vote that will have basically no impact on the world around us? Sure, go ahead and vote for the politician who you’d most like to have dinner with—then see how he ruins the country, state, or municipality. Fine, vote for a sentimental favorite on American Idol—but be prepared to be bombarded by that same music for years to come at every baseball game, workout facility, and (instrumental version) elevator you visit.
But a vote for the All Star Game? Your favorite player might get a financial bonus (working out a percentage for yourself is recommended but not necessary). You may slightly hamper your league’s chances of winning home field advantage in the World Series—but chances are slight (for some in this town, very slight) that your team will even play—and chances are your favorite player, if elected, won’t play close to the whole game, anyway.
But friends and colleagues might provide you with grief if you choose sentiment over cold, hard facts. So with that in mind, here is the solemn, to-be-delivered-with-a-straight face justification for picking your favorite Yankee at each AL position, and your favorite Met at each NL position.
Some of these are easier to construct than others. But you must say them with conviction. Practice in the mirror, or on a family pet. Then, repeat after me:
AMERICAN LEAGUE
Catcher: “Jorge Posada is hitting well over .300 with power. His legacy of championships and excellent play cannot be questioned. Even his defense has improved. He will make a fine All Star.”
First Baseman: “Jason Giambi’s brave decision to testify about his use of steroids after being coerced and threatened by the Commissioner’s office sets a fine example to our children on the dangers of self-incrimination, providing truthful answers to the media, and finally casts light on the steroids controversy, which has been sadly under-publicized. He deserves a reward for his valor. He will make a fine All Star.”
Second Baseman: “Robinson Cano is one of the finest young players in the game today. He hit .342 last season, and I get so tired of watching hitters who wait until the second, or sometimes even the third pitch, before grounding out weakly to the second baseman. He puts the ball in play—it certainly isn’t his fault that people keep fielding it and throwing him out. He will make a fine All Star.”
Shortstop: “Derek Jeter has not only adhered to his fine standards of play that will make him a Hall of Famer, he has improved his offensive game in his thirties. Without his bat in the lineup, the Yankees would be hard-pressed to even approach their current level of play. Plus, I’d rather vote for a shortstop who smells nice than one who plays defense. He will make a fine All Star.”
Third Base: “Alex Rodriguez has had perhaps the finest offensive season in baseball, while under the spotlight of the New York media. He has repeatedly won games for the Yankees with late-inning heroics, flying in the face of criticisms that he cannot produce in the clutch. I am also a first-amendment absolutist, and therefore treasure his wife’s right to wear an obscene t-shirt to Yankee Stadium. Without Cynthia Rodriguez delivering such a message, the terrorists win. He will make a fine All Star.”
Outfield: “Bobby Abreu’s play between June 1 and June 15 was simply spectacular. The man hit nearly .500 over that span, catapulting the Yankees to within 7.5 games of first place. As Bobby Abreu goes, so go the Yankees. The value to his team exhibited over those two weeks should be rewarded. He will make a fine All Star.
“Johnny Damon’s decision to cut his hair and shave altered the face of not only the Yankees, but their center fielder as well. While his decision to do so has had Samson-like consequences, his follicle reduction has provided a boon to the heretofore struggling barber industry. In a time of economic uncertainty, his move provided stability for the country. I am an American—therefore I am voting Johnny Damon. He will make a fine All Star.”
“It isn’t Hideki Matsui’s fault that when he grounds the outside pitch to the shortstop or third baseman, that there isn’t a runner on third who could come in and score on such a play. If the Yankees had placed more runners on third for him to drive in with his virtually automatic groundouts, Matsui would be among the league leaders in RBI. Put him in a lineup with players who often do get to third base, and Matsui will be unstoppable. He will make a fine All Star.”
NATIONAL LEAGUE
Catcher: “The arrogance of the people who make shin guards and other catching equipment can scarcely be believed. They charge exorbitant prices; they offer new versions of the chest protector at highfalutin’ Paris runway shows, and certain catchers’ masks are now worn at Hollywood movie premieres. How refreshing of Paul Lo Duca to loudly shout, “No!” at this misplaced worship of said gear by throwing it gauntlet-like, onto the field during a game. His rejection of such abject materialism is one we should all cherish, and I plan to reward the man by punching his name as wide as his pupils were when he railed that night against the injustice of it all. He will make a fine All Star.”
First Base: “The war in Iraq rages on, with the death total well over 3,000 and climbing. There appears to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, no exit strategy. While many would suggest voting for a president who would end the war, or a Congress that would eliminate funding for it, I think those opposed could send no larger message to the President, an acknowledged baseball fan, than to vote for a vocal critic of the War in Iraq, despite the fact that his batting average hovers around .230. Carlos Delgado is my vote, because I am opposed to senseless violence. He will make a fine All Star.”
Second Base: “It is one thing to play above average defense on a partially torn ligament in one’s knee. It is quite another to do so while wearing one of the finest moustaches in all of baseball. Jose Valentin’s power from the left side and simple, elegant facial accessory make him the perfect choice. He will make a fine All Star.”
Shortstop: “Jose Reyes is perhaps the most exciting player in the game today. His race from home to third on a triple electrifies a crowd, while his ability to steal bases, even when the whole ballpark knows he is going, is incomparable. Setting the table for the National League, Reyes will give the team a good chance of ending the American League’s streak of nine straight victories. It is important for the country to experience Jose Reyes as well. He will make a fine All Star.”
Third Base: “Oh sure, I could vote for Miguel Cabrera because of his vastly superior offensive numbers. But in a culture which seems to scream at every turn, “It’s okay to be fat,” nothing further perpetuates that myth like adding Mr. Cabrera’s propensity for supersizing to the NL squad. Meanwhile, not only has David Wright been productive offensively and fantastic defensively, a recent study showed that on the occasions he sat around his house, David did not, in fact, literally sit around his house. He will make a fine All Star.”
Outfield: “There are few players in the game who provide as much of a complete package as Carlos Beltran. Along with nearly unrivaled defense, he provides 30-40 home runs from the center field position, and his continual discussions of quad injuries have enlightened us all. He will make a fine All Star.”
“Anti-Semitism has been a part of the world and its people seemingly as long as there have been Jews. In much the same way that voting for John F. Kennedy in 1960 told the world that America was ready to look beyond religion, so too must we vote for Shawn Green, to reject utterly every restricted country club, quota-based college admissions policy, and pogrom. He will make a fine All Star.”
“As we age, a common fear is that our children will ignore our wishes, fail to respect our desires, and cast us aside as we become infirm. No clearer example in the major leagues of a player both old and infirm exists than Moises Alou. While players like Matt Holliday, Alfonso Soriano and Aaron Rowand are having better seasons, at least on paper, what are we telling our children when we cast Moises aside? If you feel comfortable driving two hours, getting a map of the cemetery, making a few wrong turns, then at last finding your way, walking purposefully over to it, and spitting on your grandfather’s grave, vote for somebody else. But for me? He will make a fine All Star.”
